Rose and I were married on November 8th, 1987 at The Potter's House Church on Trout Lake Road in North Bay.
Neither of us understood what we were doing. Me, more so.
Now that I am in my 50's, I joke that NOW I'm ready to get married and raise kids!
I know how to do it now!
I have a lot of respect for, Rose because in hindsight I would not have picked me for a suitable partner for marriage.
I was emotionally immature, selfish, delusional about my future, and lacking any relationship skills.
Wait a second, I'm still those things! Maybe less so, I hope!
I have now been married for 30 years and I have picked up a few tidbits of intelligence along the way.
I still believe in the institution of marriage. It's popular these days to live together, without all the formal pageantry or legal documents, but in my opinion, the relationship two people can have is worth the investment in making the "official declaration". In the end, relationships are all we really take from this life, they are the only impression we leave on the world, the only thing really worth anything at all. In a way, relationships are priceless.
So, no matter what form or tradition it involves, I believe settling the "you and only you" question with a degree of ceremony and honor is a good and lasting thing.
We all like lists, so here we go...
1. Few marriages are perfect, so get qualified help when you need it. There is a danger in keeping things "in house". It creates isolation and shuts down communication. If you can't talk about it, it won't get solved. In a marriage there are often opposite personalities at work, one is a talker the other internalizes. A third party who understands the dynamics can assist the channels of communication open up. I must stress that any help you get must be QUALIFIED! We once sought help from a couple who were really heavy on the spiritual side of things, and not very knowledgeable about the mechanics and psychology of relationships. It wasn't very helpful in the end. (And kind of weird.)
2. Decide how you will handle training the kids and stick to it. I always tried to call discipline "training". I wanted my kids to understand that if they were going to suffer consequences for their actions, it was not because they had angered me or Rose. The times they may have done something amiss, yes, I was disappointed and a little angry, but the punishment was a way to prepare them for the real world. I really made an effort to help them understand this. It's easy to punish kids just for our own satisfaction, but we have to remember they are tiny humans who will one day be part of groups of other humans.
I once had to take something away from my son that I gave him. It was a BIG thing that I took great joy in giving him, but he did something unwise with it and I had to do something. It broke my heart. It still hurts, but I felt it was necessary. Rose supported me and we got through it.
Even things like telling them to keep their room clean, not because we were anal about cleanliness, it was because it's a good idea and good practice to care for your things.
3. Do the Love Language Test. Click here NOW to take it! I think the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman should be part of the bible. I really do. It's THAT helpful. I was amazed to discover my Love Language was "Quality Time". I always thought that was the "feminine" one! I was wrong! It helps to understand how your partner receives love. If you want to fill their "Love Tank" you have to know when it's empty. If you are wrong, you're wasting time! If people are giving you gifts, and you really would like to just talk, there's no love transaction gonna happen! Give it a try!
4. Let whoever does the money better, handle the finances, but agree on where they go.
5. Have adventures together, Take a different road. Visit odd places.
6. Hugs.
7. It's not that important to be right.
8. Be patient. It's a fruit of the spirit, so trust God you have it and let it grow.
9. Have fun.
There's more to add, but for now, that's enough!
Thank you Rose for not giving up on me!
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